July 3rd, 2006

So I decided to reinvent this whole thing and start over. I think I need someplace to talk about things to strangers that I can't talk about to friends or family. So I'm finally starting to get over my little 2 month depression that no one but my boyfriend and my mother knew about. This has been the first big one and I'm starting to worry about more to come. The thing is, when you finally get over the thing that has been bringing you down for months, all you want to do is enjoy life and do the things you couldn't before, not worry about the next episode. I couldn't tell you what triggered it, but it seems like when Spring hit, I was out of myself. I started doubting my relationships and then it started affecting the people around me, which is when you know something needs to stop. I realize I need help but I keep convincing myself that I'll get better and it won't happen again. But I know that in months, or maybe years, it will come back twice as hard, and I'm not sure if I can handle it again all on my own. My boyfriend is one amazing guy. Any other guy could have left after dealing with all of my bullshit, but I guess sickness and health right? Anyway, tomorrow is 4th of July and it's not going to be the most fun. But I guess I'll have to deal. I'm really tired and I should be in bed but I feel like I need to write. I've been thinking a lot about the future lately also. Like falling out of love and things like that. How do you know what to expect? And what if the other person didn't exactly fall out of love and you did? I couldn't handle knowing that I've caused someone pain and I honestly don't want to experience it. I was also thinking about knowing if the person's the ONE. I think everyone should take a break, go on a few dates, and then get married. If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you then it's yours. I think everyone should try it.